Dead centre

"I'll be right back!"
"And I'd prefer to be centre back."

Lulz.

The next time you think of shortening the word 'life' to 'lyf' while chatting with me, remember that I'm not too bad at shortening lives myself.

Yolonyms

Maxwell smacks well.
Chris Gayle, bowlers pale.
ABD, and we just C.
Virat Kohli, all that's holy.
Mitchell Starc, biters don't bark.
Sachin RT, run party.
Jaques Kallis, pure malice.
Dale Steyn, unadulterated pain.
Yuvraj Singh, the Lord of the Ring.

Bhootnath

The freight charges scared the living daylights out of me!

Nitrogen fixation

What are fetishes for backsides called?
Asphyxiation.

Not MH370

Why are kingfishers bald? Receding airline.

12 years a clerk

T-shirt coats are informal.

Let rain.

Public 'Youre-in-hell's are terrifying.

To Hell With Tradition

A white collar brings respect only when it's not accompanied by yellowed pants. Seriously, wtf.

Anna Hazard

How does your boss look when he smiles?
Boss-eeee.

Punter!

Why do people dislike puns that men make up?
The say they are too pungent.

The lingo superpose!

I'm still in beta stage.

Digital Logic

Laptops are very good to use in the toilet.
L A P T O P <==> P O T P A L

S Hitler

Schools are concentration camps.

Eu de Brute

Julius! Seize her!

Hungry Santa

That's right there was a kid-napping.

The science behind wigs

Women get their hair cut to look good. Men get their hair cut to look good two weeks later.

Muhaha

Dead people have grave needs.

Red eyes

Why don't schools encourage recesses?
Because evil things are said to live in recesses(of hell?).

The true quote

The eyes are a gateway to... the skull.

Second derivative

Minton was a hell of a sport when he was bad!

Over third man!

In a game of cricket, what do you call it when you don't get out?
An inning.

Morose

Chakra View Apartments. I once got in.

Tubelight

Ray Bans ban rays!

My dear Watson

A materialist's most powerful thought is his opinion.

Universal audience

When I say age appropriate, I mean the 21st century.

Bhush

The ball runs away four a boundary!

LCD

Wearing glasses gives me foursight.

Sharp shots

What do you call the activity of making somebody pale?
Impaling them.

CM!

The next three days are pretty big for Kejriwal as he assumes the role of Chief Minister of Delhi.
Yesterday, though, was an unusually small day for him- winter solstice.

#swag

We take our board examinations in our March.

Bharat Ratna

They used to gorge themselves on all the food they could find; so they earned the name- gorgeous.

Pani Puri

It seems very likely that the plural of spouse is spice. Intriguing.

Push ups

They used to call me the terminator. They now call me the exterminator.

Roads

You know something is wrong when
There are lacs and lacs of lacks.
Probably because they were lax.

C-4 for Pops

Dad I'm a total chick magnet, he told his dad, the Chemistry professor;
Son, dad said, its manganate.

Sambaar

Why can Mal never have a good meal?
Malnourishment.

Debar!

Why can Mal never be perfect?
Malpractice is banned.

Steroids- pump the inches

There is this thing about eating.
The more you leave, the more the waste.
The more you eat, the more the waist.

Numero uno

What can you say about a person who keeps beating others up?
That he beats people up shows a habit of force. That he keeps doing it shows a force of habit.

Sanity, the ultimate test

People keep saying cyanogenmod is not stable. The only reason they say that is because they are paranoid.
In fact, it is so stable, I can put a few horses in there!

Burn it up

Those not raised well, raze well.

Rated R

Why is content rating related to how old you are?
Because that stuff is damnageing.

Cry wolf

Why are they called crocodile tears?
Because allegators neither repent nor cry.

Refer : http://i.word.com/idictionary/allegator

The cyclic circle

God makes man.

Man makes god.

Now we're even.

The criminal syndicate

What are rob's followers called?
Robbers.

Fight club

What nature does light assume when it's angry?
Duel nature.

Wordly wise

What is a shipmeant for?

Loss of face, even

The biggest loss is when you lose out on losing when you want to lose. You absolutely lose because you win.

Dear examination.

Examination, examination,
My dear examination,
In the world of innovation,
You live as an abomination,
On kids you leave a laceration,
Killing all the fascination.

Examination, examination,
I just simply hate you so,
And I want you to know,
That peace will come whenever you go,
I love you? No,
For you are my foe,
So let the generation know,
You make the fast slow,
And the happy all low,
To you I shall never bow.

I need a doctor

What treatment do you go for when an earthquake swallows all your gadgets?
TechTonics.

Heart of cold

Self esteem told him not to wear the old ragged coat his grandfather gave him, weather demanded he probably should wear it; he wore it. Rather alive than cool(pun intended).