Dead centre

"I'll be right back!"
"And I'd prefer to be centre back."

Lulz.

The next time you think of shortening the word 'life' to 'lyf' while chatting with me, remember that I'm not too bad at shortening lives myself.

Yolonyms

Maxwell smacks well.
Chris Gayle, bowlers pale.
ABD, and we just C.
Virat Kohli, all that's holy.
Mitchell Starc, biters don't bark.
Sachin RT, run party.
Jaques Kallis, pure malice.
Dale Steyn, unadulterated pain.
Yuvraj Singh, the Lord of the Ring.

Bhootnath

The freight charges scared the living daylights out of me!

Nitrogen fixation

What are fetishes for backsides called?
Asphyxiation.

Not MH370

Why are kingfishers bald? Receding airline.

12 years a clerk

T-shirt coats are informal.

Let rain.

Public 'Youre-in-hell's are terrifying.

To Hell With Tradition

A white collar brings respect only when it's not accompanied by yellowed pants. Seriously, wtf.

Anna Hazard

How does your boss look when he smiles?
Boss-eeee.

Punter!

Why do people dislike puns that men make up?
The say they are too pungent.

The lingo superpose!

I'm still in beta stage.

Digital Logic

Laptops are very good to use in the toilet.
L A P T O P <==> P O T P A L

S Hitler

Schools are concentration camps.

Eu de Brute

Julius! Seize her!

Hungry Santa

That's right there was a kid-napping.

The science behind wigs

Women get their hair cut to look good. Men get their hair cut to look good two weeks later.

Muhaha

Dead people have grave needs.

Red eyes

Why don't schools encourage recesses?
Because evil things are said to live in recesses(of hell?).

The true quote

The eyes are a gateway to... the skull.

Second derivative

Minton was a hell of a sport when he was bad!

Over third man!

In a game of cricket, what do you call it when you don't get out?
An inning.

Morose

Chakra View Apartments. I once got in.

Tubelight

Ray Bans ban rays!